Anybody seen my professionalism?
February 8th, 2007 by Dusty
I just heard a guy on TV say about Anna Nicole Smith, “We spent so much time laughing at her, and now it’s all real. You can’t joke about her anymore.”
I beg to differ.
Her body had barely hit the floor before I told someone that she and her son shared a genetic methadone/antidepressant overdose. I know it sucks as a joke, but it proves my devotion to my craft. I’m currently trying to write some material about the awkward afterlife reunion between her, her son, and that rich guy she married in the (and his) nineties.
For the record, I will be similarly mourning the death of Paris Hilton when that occurs. Regardless of how your daddy treated you and how tortured you are, your choice not to change your lifestyle and continue instead leading an irrelevant existence isn’t going to earn any sympathy among the thinking public.
I wonder if it is predestined that people like that die young so we at least remember them as being good looking. I have seen Paris attempt to read cue cards in person, and believe me, worthless doesn’t even begin to describe her. Once she is no longer thin and tan, she’ll be as useless as Michael J Fox’s soldering iron.
As you may or may not know, I have been working at a new job since last November. I think the real reason I was sick of my old job is that everyone knew my gig after all those years and they were nigh impossible to mess with.
The new job is a blank canvas. A few of them have heard of the blogs, but I don’t think it gets read by anyone. Although after this entry I will know immediately who does and doesn’t.
I have a little toy called han-d-gas. It is the single best kept secret since mankind started inventing things. I dare say that if this had been invented before the wheel, the world would be a much radder place in which to live. There would be no wars, cilantro, or whining of any kind. It’s a little rubber/plastic thing that you squeeze in your hand and it creates a fart noise that is more realistic than an actual fart. With practice, you can imitate any kind of fart. My dad gave me one for my birthday last year (yes, it was my 34th birthday and that would be the coolest dad in the universe, for those who are keeping track), and I have been honing my skills.
There is a right way and a wrong way to use this implement. The wrong way is to hold it in the air and squeeze out a healthy flatula while exclaiming “Look! It makes a pootin’ noise! Here, Try it!”
The right way is to be subtle. Think about how you would act if you accidentally squeaked one out on the elevator. Would you look down at the floor? Would you glance at the other passengers with an expression that says “I’m hopping off on the tenth floor. Sucks to be you”? Or would you apologize and look sheepish? Figure out what you would do, and commit to it. Under no circumstances are you to be a dickball and say “Heh. Check it out. It makes the noise when you squeeze it. Listen. *phhheeeeeeet?*”
About three weeks after I started at the new job, I noticed that my hand farter was in my computer bag. I took it out and started absently playing with it, taking care not to make any offensive noises. Eventually I forgot I was surrounded by my professional peers and put it in my pocket to see how real I could make it sound.
The answer was “extremely convincing to everyone within earshot.” I heard heads swiveling, muffled whispers, and one gasp. Having only been at my job for three weeks, I was actually a little embarrassed. Luckily I acted like I had really farted and everyone acted accordingly.
Since that little slice of sunshine, the han-d-gas has gone to work with me every day. No, I don’t use it every day – I just like having it around. If you use it all the time, the fart becomes less memorable. Right now there are probably four people who walk around the office telling everyone that I farted really loud a couple of times and I swear you should have heard it and I wasn’t even apologetic about it. It is my sincere hope that my mythical expulsions are the office sasquatch; the watercooler lore that everyone secretly wants to bear witness to. With that in mind, I use it very sparingly. Only twice in the past two months, in fact.
I used it today for the first time this year. They probably thought my gas problem was just a passing thing, for lack of a better term. Today I did it while I was on the phone. The reason for this is that I think this whole exercise is the funniest thing I have ever been a part of, and if I don’t have sufficient distraction I will laugh until I barf. With my tax advisor guy yapping in my ear about deductions and dependents, I performed a textbook “oops” fart.
Shut up. You know you’ve done it. Try to do the one-cheek-sneak, and it comes out loud and abruptly cut off by an embarrassed contraction of the sphincter. It was beautiful. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the girl who sits behind me turn and stare. I knew that if I looked, I could not hope to maintain composure. So I kept talking to Tom. Finally I realized that if I had really farted, I would look around in embarrassment. So I did.
She was looking at me with a mixture of pity and disdain. A look I have since christened “pisdain”. I looked back at her with raised eyebrows and a questioning look as if to say “That just came out of my ass, but I am trying to look surprised.” I continued on my conversation and was able to keep my cool.
I don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep it up, but reading back on my criticism of those who choose to lead irrelevant lifestyles has lead me to believe that I’d better die young. Or young-ish.
And since I know you all want one, here is the link
*Pfffffirst*?
“…useless as Michael J Fox’s soldering iron” - now THAT is funny. Well done, chap, well done.
Time to move ANSmith from the celebLust list to the necroLust list… Now the question becomes (a la “early Elvis or Vegas Elvis?”): Which one? zaftig Anna or skinny Anna or dead Anna? To quote Barbra: “She’d be a smooth ride, man… Like a Cadillac.”
Paris Hilton can read? I love a man who loves potty humor; I’m totally going to get me one. I’ll take it to DragonCon, imagine the shock value opportunities I’ll have there!
Get one on eBay like I did, it’s cheaper and only 85 cents shipping. Item 110090153424.
The trick is to keep a straight face- impossible for me.
I had a nurse in a clinc where I once worked who had the fart machine with a remote. One nurse would hold the machine and the other would carry the remote. So the one with the machine in her pocket would have no control over when the machine let fly. It was awesome.
Also, there were patients who had no idea when they would fart down the hall. Either they were too old to care or too deaf to hear. Either way, they left us howling with laughter as soon as they were out of earshot. Which, with the deaf and hard of hearing patients, was much sooner than with the others.
We used to like to think they were just propulsing themselves down the hall. So to speak.
After a while, when everybody know you as the fartman, you can start farting for real, and nobody will care. Everybody will think it was just your machine. You’ll be able to fart whenever you want to!
I never thought I would ever read about farts and Anna Nichole in the same story. Maybe she could be buried with one of those elctric fart machines. That way, when somebody goes to past her grave, the groundskeeper will push the button, and make fart sounds coming from the ground. How cool would that be!
Maybe some day, technology will progress to the point where you can also make a machine give off an aroma.
Okay, I’ll stop now.
I just laughed until I was this |___| close to barfing.
Dusty, you are the reason God made depends. I almost peed a little just now reading this. Hilarious.
Next up on your wishlist should be the fart machine. The newer models are effective because they are operated by remote control. Remote. control.
We bring these to set on occasion and it is the best entertainment going. How awesome will it be when you set off a fart in Miss Pisdain’s office? Especially if someone is in there. My friend keeps hers in her car under the passenger seat…
The best fun was when he and his brother used it in the mall. They would walk past a group of 2 or more people, cut one, then look at the one of the people in disbelief.
The victim’s expression would go from accusation (of two crude young men) to denial in a flash, quickly followed by a glance at the rest of the group to see if they also thought he/she was guilty of this gaffe.
I wondered what people thought of a grown man walking through a mall with tears running down his face. I suppose I could have blamed the aroma.
Man, I really needed that laugh today…
Farts are always funny…
Thanks Dusty.
Thankfully I don’t sit too near any of my co-workers. I was laughing so hard I had tears running down my face, my nose is running and someone walking by would’ve thought I was crying.
Thanks for the great laugh, Dusty!
Dependents, huh? Editors note: if you have something to say, please fucking say it. Is it misspelled? Misused? This falls under section 3 of my how not to be a complete douchebag book.
where’s my first comment? I thought it was funny….you know, the whole church and pew thing?
Comments might be screwed up. I didn’t delete anything, but I have heard rumors that this thing is a bit wonky.
And holy crap, the editor sounds pissed.
I laughed so hard I farted.
I farted so hard.. I laughed!
These are the posts I’ve been missing so in the period I like to refer to as “The Dark Times When Dusty Was Unavailable to Us on the Pork Tornado Site Because He Was Very Busy and Not Feeling Funny So There Was No Laughter”
Is that maybe a little too long a name for a period? Probably. Let’s just call it “When Dusty Was In Rehab.” Come on, we all know the deal!
Anyway … I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. I go back to what Dennis Miller once said about farts and why children find them to be hysterically funny. He said it was “because farts are hysterically funny.” And so are fake ones created by Dusty Scott.
Yeah baby, that’s the Dusty we all hoped was still gonna show! ANS, MJF, Paris and MJ — plus farts. And gotta love DAD!!
Thanks to the whole Dusty Family.
Ah, how I have missed Pork Tornado.
ok, your’ve created a monster, I just did all my Christmas shopping at the link, going to have WAY to much fun this year……pppsssssstt
AND by the way. Not to say you have the (impecable)taste of a twenty-something girl, but your new look is totally kick-ass.
Entirely too funny. I especially love the comment from Dad to know that you were like this as a child and have simply honed your craft as an adult.
This little gadget sounds way cooler than any whoopie cushion known to man. But, have you ever heard of fart in a jar? It’s silly putty consistincy in a little jar and you stick your finger into it and air pockets form, thereby making a fart sound. There’s also fart spray we’ve found at the local dollar store chain. Maybe you should get some of that to add that “special little something” that your co-workers won’t soon forget - the stuff’s n a s t y!
Re: “Dependents, huh?”
It was my (apparently much too) subtle way of asking about your intentions with The Skirt. One generally only talks to one’s accountant about dependents when one is married and/or has children or is so inclined.
p.s. Here’s something you might find useful:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LobtyNrtqLs
Any concerns you had about not having the knack for writing funny stuff anymore… you can stop worrying.
I haven’t really laughed at a blog entry by ANYONE in a long time. Well, except myself, but that’s an entirely different issue.
Of course I read the blogs!
Ahhhhh, the han-d-gas! That explains why I hear an occasional juicy “phreeeep” noise escape from your cube, followed by red-faced, teary-eyed, laughter somehow stifled by enough internal willpower-pressure to turn a lump of coal into a shiny new diamond. (Run on sentence for days I know, but writing is your gig, not mine)
It also explains why “B” (the girl that sits behind you) is wearing her head phones a lot more frequently now.
Michael J Fox’s soldering iron?! (Holy shit I think I just wet myself) Maybe he could take up stipple/wood-burning. Just a thought…
See you at said new job.
My husband farts alot. He wouldn’t need the toy, and I am one of the few women in the world who finds farts funny. Anyhoo, he cranked one off in church one day, Catholic, and at a moment when no one was speaking…..he was doing silent ones all thru mass and was flying under the radar till that one resonated off the wooden pew, in a thunderous cresendo. I was in tears, as the Priest was going over the weekly collections and my mascara was running and I could not shut up. My husband decided *I* was drawing “too much attention to us” and turned his back on me and told me to be quiet. I found it ironic, as he was the reason I was in tears. Another great trick, If I may….get a bendy straw and put it under your armpit and have the other end sticking out of your shirt a bit….wait till someone bends over, walks by, sits down, etc….and blow…makes the most gawd awful fart noise EVER. DO NOT INHALE. Peace……Donna
I wish I hadn’t throw away that fake vomit.
Farts, dead whores, and wisdom…not bad ol bean.
Here’s a site for one and all. http://www.dotfart.com/
Seabee Mom, I’m with you. I grew up with two brothers and think farts are the greatest comedy around.
ThinkGeek (.com) has a gadget called the “Annoyotron” or something like that. It is a magnetic, battery powered gadget that beeps at utterly random intervals and is therefore difficult to pinpoint. Hide it in someone’s cube and watch the fun.
While it does not have the inherent immediate gratification of the fake fart, you’ll get to watch later when someone you don’t like is practically destroying their office.
Upnort, my younger brother (who is 34 now) lights his farts to the amusement of my children. My son’s going away party into the Navy, he dropped on his back and rolled backwards and lit one. My parents don’t make the baked beans I loved when I grew up for holidays anymore, as the whole holiday is nothing but flaming butthole. My brother has discovered if he eats a few bowls of cracklin oat bran he can still come to functions with the fuel he needs. Never ceases to bring a tear to my eye. He farted on my head a few weeks ago when he was standing behind me and I was sitting at the table…I am a 911 operator and a paramedic and darn near 43 yrs old and it still makes me laugh.
http://www.misternicehands.com/
background music is a nice touch.
That’s a great site, SeabeeMom! I forwarded it to some friends of mine. I’m sure they’ll pass it on to their husbands as well.
I’m with you, I’m 41 and think they’re hilarious. One of my older sisters tells me I need to grow up, it’s just a bodily function. I say, why do bodily functions have to all be serious? How can you NOT find farts funny?
My mom used to chase my brothers with the Lysol can…